Now, she has apologized to me several times and promises that she loves me, but through her continuous behaviors I don't feel it. She has even conceded and said I was right and that she can't be upset with me if I leave so I could be happy even though she wants to keep working it out.
My problem is why should I leave? Why should I suffer the emotional loss of not seeing my children everyday before they go to sleep? Why should I not be the ones to tuck them into the bed at night and kiss them and tell them "I love you" before going to sleep? She's the one who fucked this up, not me. So why do I get the loss because it didn't work out on her behalf?
I love my kids just as much as she does and perhaps even more. I say that because, everything I do, I've done for them. I try to live right and do the right things and give them more than I had. And by me just being a dad that's around to watch them grow is more than I ever had.
I had my chances to cheat and find some sort of comfort in another woman's arm but I chose not to. Not because of her but because it wasn't right. And even if my kids were to never find out... At that moment I thought about them and wondered if they ever knew what I was about to do to their mother, it would break their hearts. And me knowing that life would give them enough heartaches, I couldn't be one of them. Like I said even if no one ever found out, it would still be a wrong decision.
You see, I've decided to live life and become the person I would love my children to be. Honest, loyal, open minded, considerate, conscience, and a good person. Now I can try my best to steer them the right direction but I know in reality life is full of hard decisions and they'll probably makes some that would even hurt me. But it's a promise I made when I became a father and that was to change and be the best person I can be as I began to see the world through the innocent eyes of children. And decisions to do right weren't that difficult anymore. Not as long as I thought about them.
And with every decision I made I thought about them. Even before they were born, I selected and fell in love with my wife because I thought she would be an excellent role model and an outstanding woman. I was wrong and if my kids knew anything that I know it would perhaps mess up their perfect little image of her in their head.
So why couldn't she for the sake of our kids do her part. I'm not mad at her for me. If we didn't have children, it's over and I'm gone. But the fact is her decisions not only affect our relationship but may affect our kids. In fact it WILL affect them. Because I've seen the effects of things of this nature.
After she sees how sick I get being around she has voluntarily offered to leave and asked if I'd be able to manage with the kids. Again, why should my kids not have a mother because of her selfishness. She is a good mother and I know she loves them but her decisions were or are reckless. She's a bad wife not a bad mother. I just want my kids to understand how to love and be in a healthy relationship. I don't want them to go through anything at this time.
So I have sacrificed my happiness and live unhappily for the sake of my kids. I pretend everything is fine and continue the usual daddy duties forcing myself to speak to their mother, all the while paying attention to my children trying to pick up if they see that this marriage is no longer. But I play my part well and so does she. I'm unhappily married, but I'm happy enough knowing I am with my children as they grow and that I am a part of that. We don't fight around the kids.
I love them more than anything else in this world...
It's with tears in my eyes I write this. I guess it's due to holding all this in throughout the years and not letting a soul know the truth. Maybe it's because as much as I'm happy with my daughters I still want someone to know me. Maybe I want to love another woman again but fear doing so because I don't want to break my children's heart. Perhaps I need to talk to someone, but I'm private with my things.
So I've decided to write and see if this can help me through the years. Maybe when my kids are grown and have chosen their paths in life perhaps I can move on after probably wasting so many good years I still have to offer some one who is just as lonely. Or maybe I'll just be old and it wouldn't even matter anymore.
I'm sure their are other men in similar situations or maybe I'm the only one but this isn't the last you hear of me. This is my new form of therapy.
Thanks for reading guys.
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