Monday, December 7, 2015

Unhappily Married 0002

I had sex with my wife last night. My question is was it wrong? Now I usually don't have sex with her as frequent as some would suggest but then others would probably joke and say that's normal, it comes with being married. However, I really don't want to. But there are times while laying in bed at night I'll think about sex. Or the day passes by and I miss having sex. Sure I can take care of myself with the plethora of porn that's available over the Internet, but it's nothing like feeling a woman.

So here lies some of my issues.

If I'm not working, I'm usually at home enjoying time with the kids. After that I do nothing else. I've never been one to go out and chase for the company of a woman. In the past  I didn't go to a bar or a pub just looking to score, I went to have a good time with friends. However, I also wouldn't go if there wasn't an opportunity I could meet someone and hang out, women had to be there. What I'm saying is it wasn't all about that. Most relationships I've been in was usually something that occurred gradually. I wasn't out searching rather than it just stumbled along. I guess I never liked the pressure of having to be so damn impressive and unlike myself. The pressure of trying to convince someone in liking you, and being careful with things you say or do. I'm convince you really have to take time to know someone and first impressions aren't really the way to go. I'm  usually a quiet, take a seat and survey your surroundings type guy. A this is what you get type person. But you do have to remove some layers to get to the core of me. Now I've had some nights that did eventually lead into a one night stand here and there, but I never went there with such expectations. If it came fine if it didn't that's fine too. I was young, If I wanted I could've called a handful of ladies to hang out with at the end of the night. And maybe that's it, maybe because I had it (player) perhaps I never felt the need to chase it as much. But now it's different. Many years have passed. So this going out and having a few drinks trying to meet someone to hook up with makes me nervous. And plus it's been a long time since I've been out there like that.

Then there are these dating web sites and apps. Now what I have found here is a selection of women ranging from escorts to women being so selective trying to find this hunk (I'm far from hunky) that they fall for so many of these guys that are players. These new players have evolved technologically and now peruse these social media outlets to score. I have a few friends that are guilty of this. Usually finding single mothers who so desperately want to feel rejuvenated again with the hopes of landing the one believing lies told to them. I've had friends say they were divorced cops because of the hours at work yada yada... That they're personal trainers... Stuff out of the movies. Which is cool, you can be as selective as you are but I hear constantly how they end up being victims of one night stands or that the guy leads a double life. To others it's another way to get a one night stand and dirty sex with no strings attached itch scratched. Then you have these crazy ones that look great (I'm not the one to look for the best looking one but I do have my standards) but once you talk to them they're just living out some mid life crisis and sometimes I'm like "wait, what?" Or the ones that take photos of themselves with their ass sticking out or flaunting cleavage, You're just trying too hard it seems. I'm not looking for all that I find the mind beautiful. Are they're any real normal people on these sites.

I will admit though, I actually know of a couple who after their initial marriages, they met on one of these sites and have lived happily ever after with their six kids. He has three boys, she has three girls. A real Brady bunch.

Then you have these escorts that you can find on Craigslist or Backpage or just drive around any motel if you want to go cheap you'll find them. As for me, no that's definitely not for me. 

Which now comes to my wife. Now don't get me wrong IF I had someone else, I think after kissing the kids goodnight and sending them to bed I would be off and running. I think keeping my new relationship honest and loyal will help with my happiness. Why would I want to ruin a newfound happiness. My wife knows that the only reason I'm still here is for the kids. And when I get into those moods where I had enough and I want to be with a woman she doesn't hesitate. When we're done, we're done and we're back to where we were. But again I have nothing now. And I have itches that need to be scratched that I get tired of dealing with on my own. She's knows how I feel. She knows where this relationship stands. We don't kiss anymore, we don't explore each other like we once do. Not because I don't want to do those things anymore but because I don't want to do them with her. I just want to feel me inside a woman at that moment and that's it. She allows me and I get rid of my urges. Meaningless. But is it wrong?   





Sunday, November 8, 2015

Unhappily Married 0001

Let me introduce myself. I am an unhappily married man. I've been unhappy for several years now and my wife has been made well aware of it. She's more aware of it now more so than ever. I will not disclose exactly why I'm unhappy but I will tell you that it is in large part her willingness to break vows and promises made to each other or rather it's due to her failure in maintaining her part of the agreements we made when we started this relationship. 

Now, she has apologized to me several times and promises that she loves me, but through her continuous behaviors I don't feel it. She has even conceded and said I was right and that she can't be upset with me if I leave so I could be happy even though she wants to keep working it out.

My problem is why should I leave? Why should I suffer the emotional loss of not seeing my children everyday before they go to sleep? Why should I not be the ones to tuck them into the bed at night and kiss them and tell them "I love you" before going to sleep? She's the one who fucked this up, not me. So why do I get the loss because it didn't work out on her behalf? 

I love my kids just as much as she does and perhaps even more. I say that because, everything I do, I've done for them. I try to live right and do the right things and give them more than I had. And by me just being a dad that's around to watch them grow is more than I ever had.

I had my chances to cheat and find some sort of comfort in another woman's arm but I chose not to. Not because of her but because it wasn't right. And even if my kids were to never find out... At that moment I thought about them and wondered if they ever knew what I was about to do to their mother, it would break their hearts. And me knowing that life would give them enough heartaches, I couldn't be one of them. Like I said even if no one ever found out, it would  still be a wrong decision.

You see, I've decided to live life  and become the person I would love my children to be. Honest, loyal, open minded, considerate, conscience, and a good person. Now I can try my best to steer them the right direction but I know in reality life is full of hard decisions and they'll probably makes some that would even hurt me. But it's a promise I made when I became a father and that was to change and be the best person I can be as I began to see the world through the innocent eyes of children. And decisions to do right weren't that difficult anymore. Not as long as I thought about them. 

And with every decision I made I thought about them. Even before they were born, I selected and fell in love with my wife because I thought she would be an excellent role model and an outstanding woman. I was wrong and if my kids knew anything that I know it would perhaps mess up their perfect little image of her in their head.

So why couldn't she for the sake of our kids do her part. I'm not mad at her for me. If we didn't have children, it's over and I'm gone. But the fact is her decisions not only affect our relationship but may affect our kids. In fact it WILL affect them. Because I've seen the effects of things of this nature.

After she sees how sick I get being around she has voluntarily offered to leave and asked if I'd be able to manage with the kids. Again, why should my kids not have a mother because of her selfishness. She is a good mother and I know she loves them but her decisions were or are reckless. She's a bad wife not a bad mother. I just want my kids to understand how to love and be in a healthy relationship. I don't want them to go through anything at this time. 

So I have sacrificed my happiness and live unhappily for the sake of my kids. I pretend everything is fine and continue the usual daddy duties forcing myself to speak to their mother, all the while paying attention to my children trying to pick up if they see that this marriage is no longer. But I play my part well and so does she. I'm unhappily married, but I'm happy enough knowing I am with my children as they grow and that I am a part of that. We don't fight around the kids. 

I love them more than anything else in this world...

It's with tears in my eyes I write this. I guess it's due to holding all this in throughout the years and not letting a soul know the truth. Maybe it's because as much as I'm happy with my daughters I still want someone to know me. Maybe I want to love another woman again but fear doing so because I don't want to break my children's heart. Perhaps I need to talk to someone, but I'm private with my things. 

So I've decided to write and see if this can help me through the years. Maybe when my kids are grown and have chosen their paths in life perhaps I can move on after probably wasting so many good years I still have to offer some one who is just as lonely. Or maybe I'll just be old and it wouldn't even matter anymore. 

I'm sure their are other men in similar situations or maybe I'm the only one but this isn't the last you hear of me. This is my new form of therapy.

Thanks for reading guys.